| Lander's Revenge-A Story
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| Should Young Valent Become a Sage or A Swordmaster? |
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 SunsetSea |
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 Posted:
Thu Aug 18, 2005 8:07 am |
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Then one day there came a large roar from the distance. On came a force so large it looked like a black ocean was sweeping away the hillside. "They are here!" Frunt yelled as he sounded the battle horn. The mages began to ready their staves and ancient spellbooks while the swordmasters went and obtained their swords. These swords were then enchanted by the mages and the infantry was placed under protective spells. Valent peered across the battle lines to see Henta holding two sharp Kogatana's or Mini-Tantos (points for anyone who knows what a Kogatana is!). On her belt were long sharp syringes filled with a astounding amount of fluids, some looking like blood. Valent then looked down to the horde of people about to attack. What is this for?! Valent thought looking at all the people who would die in this battle. Then to his horror he realized that these people were people he knew. Their only difference was their long talons and red beady eyes. Valent turned and ran to Frunt. "Frunt!!! These things are Draknors of old. We are all doomed." Frunt turned and looked at the creatures he saw and a image of pure intense horror filled his face making him look old and sickly. "Valent....take Henta....and run..." Frunt turned to him. "I will hold them off but you must both run as far away from here as possible." Frunt then gave him a strange shaped stone that glimmered in the bright midday sun. "Give this to her if she refuses to go." Frunt began "Go to the town of Ismale and ask for Yerik at the inn. He will give you room and board for the time being. Go through the caverns up north, they are dangerous, but I am sure the Draknors will not look for you two there." Valent looked at him motionless. "Go you fool!" And Valent ran to Henta, picked her up, and carried her twords the caves.
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Mon Sep 05, 2005 11:25 am |
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(Wow!! I completly forgot to check this and write in it!!  )
--------Chapter 2: The Cave of Essence
"Whats going on?!" Hena asked demandingly as she looked back at the black smoke rising from the battle field. "I dont know....but Frunt told me to take you through this cave.." Valent said as he caught Hena looking at the shimmering stone Frunt gave her. "What is it?" Valent asked inquisitvly to Hena as she pulled it out of view. "It is just a mere stone..." Hena said, she was blatently lieing though. Valent and Hena looked onward into the dark, dank cave they were about to cross. Valent took out two of the torches the innkepper Yerik had graciously given him along with a shimmering silver blade, and for Hena, two Kaiser Claws. Valent lit the torches and truged woefully onward into the cave.
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Mon Sep 05, 2005 11:42 am |
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As they walked into the cave the sound of their footsteps echoed throughout it. The walls were wet causing outgrowths of piercing stalactites and stalagmites to form. Great long columns were formed in the center of the cave causing it to seem like a majestic castle. Yet as they went deeper the cave got colder and the majesty of the cave was lost. The walls were no longer wet, but iced over with sparkling gems hidden deep under the layers of ice. "Its cold..." Valent said huddling closer to his torch. Hena glared at him with a look of fake bewilderment. Then they came to a gigantic room with no other exits, only ice. "What do we do?" Hena asked Valent as she walked instinctivly twords the center of the room. "I have no idea....maybe we sho---" Valent stopped as from inside Hena's pocket came a glaring glow lighting up the room. "Oh Good lord!" Valent murmered as in the ice were dead bodies of those foolish enough to venture to the cave. Then the cave began to shake violently as the walls shattered. Valent grabbed Hena as a large creature bounded foward towards them. Hena screamed as she realized that this creature had three heads...and was talking to her. "Its talking to me!!" She cried as Valent stared at her. "I dont hear anything..?" Valent said backing away from the monster. "It says we must die, for we hold the key." She said before screaming as the creature opened its three mouths and lunged twords them. Valent took her and rolled away just in time. Hena then uttered still in tears "Its name is Cerebus...God of The Three Essences. Fire, Ice , And Lightning." Hena then passed out her stone still gleaming.
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Mon Sep 05, 2005 12:08 pm |
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Valent grabbed Hena and ran behind one of the rocks and layed her there. He then ran twords the monster. He jumped on its hind leg and rose onto the top of its heads. Then one of the heads shimmered with a yello glow. Out of nowhere came a bolt of lightning scalding the side of his shoulder. Then Hena seemed to have awoken and ran twords the monster. It went to slash for her. "No!!" Valent screamed as he stabbed his sword deep into one of the heads skulls. Blood poured out as the head drooped down twords the ground. HHe grabbed the sword and pulled out out. Then the other head began to glow red.
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Sat Sep 10, 2005 6:20 pm |
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The ice in the cave began to melt and the torches surrounding the lair lit. Cerebus tore back and the floor began to crack. "What is going on?!" Valent said as he sheltered Henta from the barrage of rocks that came forth from the shattering ground. Then out from the cracks flowed magma that began to finnally decompose the bodies of those who had been trapped in a icy fate. Valent took Hena onto one of the larger rocks and carressed her. "Itll be ok..." Valent said before jumping onto the back of Cerebus.
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Sat Sep 10, 2005 7:07 pm |
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Valent jumped ontop of the beast of imeasurable strength. Cerebus roared back with such force that the entire cave shook; this made Henta slowly edge closer to falling off the rock into the hot magma. "No!!" Valent said screaming as blood trickled down his face from the onlsought of the creature's coarse hide. It writhed as Valent fumbled around with his sword, trying to get a precise shot at its head. Cerebus bucked backwards and one of its bloodstained teeth grazed Valents arm leaving unmistakable gash in his arm. As the blood drenched his arm he dove deep into one of its head. It wailed as it dove into the lava. Henta was now becoming dagerously close to diving into the scalding lave. Valent then leaped towards the rock in order to stop her from decending into her doom. Cerebus then swooped down with its last head and engulfed Valent in its many rows of teeth. Valent screamed as his skin was torn by Cerebus's crimson teeth.
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New styles rock!
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Sat Sep 10, 2005 7:43 pm |
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Valent thrust his sword deep into the beasts skull in a desperate attempt to save his and Henta's lives. Valent's sword dove deep into Cerebus's brain causing blood to disembogue from the wound that Valent created. The blood was icy cold to the touch as it trickled down the sword intermingling with Valents own blood. Steam was generating inside the beasts mouth as Valents warm blood was introduced to Cerebu's cold damp blood. Valent pushed open the creatures mouth to find that Henta was only a few inches away from falling into her doom. Valent bounded onto the rock grabbing Henta, shielding her from the lava that was being splashed up as Cerebus's body sank slowly into the lava.
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<----I must say Haine is the best!
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Sat Sep 10, 2005 7:50 pm |
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Valent and Henta laid there alone. The lava began to singe their skin as its rippling waves splashed onto the sides of their rock. "We will not die...I promise" Valent said to the unconcious Henta and pondered how to get of their island of doom.
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Sat Sep 10, 2005 7:54 pm |
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(Suggestions of what you would like to see happen in this story will be taken now. Please do not make nonsense posts in order to gain gil, and for this I ask all of your steadfast diligence, please do [u]not[/u] go onto random tangens. Thank you!  )
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<----I must say Haine is the best!
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New styles rock!
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 11, 2005 6:21 am |
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(Now replies....depressing...  )
Valent held Henta tightly as the waves of lava came closer. He watched as the creature sank deep into the lava. Then the lava began to freeze from the spot the creature laid. The lava stopped coming towards them and they found themselves in darkness, other than the still beaming light of Henta's stone. Valent was astonished as the stone lifted up Henta's unconsious body and lifted her to the middle of the cave; where the beast fell. The light began to grow brighter as she floated above that spot until it was so radiant that it lit up the entire cavern with its ghostly white light. Then another light began to appear. It brimmed out from the crust of the magma and mixed with that of the white light. Then Valent watched as both of the lights floated into Henta's body. Henta collapsed to the ground and the entire room fell into darkness.
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<----I must say Haine is the best!
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New styles rock!
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 11, 2005 8:36 am |
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Valent searched the ground for their torches until he finnally found one. He used two of the magma rocks to light the torch. Once lit ,to his horror, he saw that Henta layed lifelessly onb the floor only a few feet away from him. Valent ran towards her hoping that she was all right. Once their Valent put her on his knee as she slipped back into consciousness. Her eyes were bloodshot and her face wore a look of distress. "Cerebus is now a part of me.." She moaned, writhing in his arms,"He will aid you and I in the future..". Henta then slipped back into a state of sleep. In her hand, to Valent's surprise, was his sword glowing red.
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<----I must say Haine is the best!
The Sig of the Month Contest?!
New styles rock!
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 11, 2005 12:10 pm |
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Valent put Henta over his shoulder and carried her towards the exit. Valent's sword flared brightly enough so he did not need to carry the burden of a torch. He walked far in the deep dank cave until he saw a glimmer of light. After making a sharp turn to the right he saw it. There was a lake with a rope bridge crossing it. The light from the opening of the cave glimmered as rays came visibly down to greet their faces. Green algea grew on all of the rocks by the mouth of the cave. Valnent had crossed the lake and took his first step out of the cave. He was greeted by grass and trees swaying in the summer breeze. A warm cooling sensation ran over him as he left the cold damp cave. Valent looked towards the east and saw a small quaint village with a windmill jutting out from the center. He glanced at Henta before walking to towards the town. "You are getting very heavy..." Valent murmered with a smile.
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<----I must say Haine is the best!
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:33 pm |
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Valent walked into the town, being welcomed with the bustle of town life. Many of the townsfolk looked at the too travelers with a grimace. Their dirty rags seemed to only imitate their worn and wrinkled faces. Even the children had a look of anguish above that of their innocence. Very few of these people seemed at all happy with their lives as they carried on in their own disdain. Finally the two found a small tavern with a sign "Rooms for Rent". Valent walked in and was greeted by a small plumb man with feverish red hair. "Aye' lad, you must need a room. Well then come this way!" He ushered them into a small room with two cots and what looked like a small bathroom. "Yes, that wil be 335 gil mi lad." The man said gesturing out his hand. After putting Henta down on her bed he shrugged. Out of his pocket he pulled out three small silver tokens with a small lion on them and four bronze tokens that seemed quite battered. "That should be 340 gil then. You may keep the change for your gracious hospitality." The man sniggered as he left in a huff. "You ought' come down later fer your hospitality." He said before closing the door. Having no idea what he just meant Valent turned to Henta and sighed.
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The Sig of the Month Contest?!
New styles rock!
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Posted:
Wed Sep 14, 2005 7:47 am |
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| SunsetSea wrote: |
| (Suggestions of what you would like to see happen in this story will be taken now. Please do not make nonsense posts in order to gain gil, and for this I ask all of your steadfast diligence, please do [u]not[/u] go onto random tangens. Thank you! ) |
Lots of suggestions:
1. Please continue the story
2. Use spellcheck. I'm no grammar doctor, unfortunately it feels you are rushing the story too much and there's too much spelling error
3. Compress the later posts. It seems the longer you posts, the less content each post has.
4. Develop more emotions into the characters. The story pacing is going way fast and speaking from my opinion: I can't seem to care enough for any event other than the opening prologue because everythings moving so fast and yet without significance.
Take for ex. Cerebrus and Henta's combination. The scene did not have enough leverage for me to care for what happened. I'm like "ok" Next!
Speaking on a general POV: I feel that the first few chapters felt like you cared for the reader and after Aug. it felt like you were just adding stuff. Now even for an average reader that's following your story, that hurts.
5. Use filler. Now I'm one of those that doesn't want a long 10,000 page novel (my max is usually 700 page novels before I get peeved) yet I also want a bit of a rest stop. If this were a graphical rpg, your story would be fine because all the fillers will rely on the random battles. Being that this is a text story that doesn't have pictures, any sort of minor interaction between the characters should be added even suggested.
6. I like how you are turning this into a Choose your own path adventure yet it's actually taking away the story. So far, I haven't felt like the choice of swordmaster and sage impacted the story that much.
I've never done a CYOA and I know I don't have enough valid experience to tell what's wrong with it. It's just that it would have been better if say the people who voted felt like what they chose mattered in the entire story.
7. Feelings and passion! I feel like you are typing the story yet I haven't felt like you are caring for the story.
I hardly am knowledgeable enough to tell you what you lack and what you have since I myself am a newb writer (only finished 1 story/poem and I posted here and no one replied. It's that bad)
This one's a selfish request on my part. I'm talking less like a critic or a guy suggesting rather more like a guy telling you what he felt when he was reading your story.
8. Develop a mythos.
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| SunsetSea |
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Posted:
Wed Sep 14, 2005 6:34 pm |
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Ok! Thank you so much for the suggestions! I am more used to writing short stories so I do like to rush things! But dont worry I have some plans, and reading over what you said about the characters feelings, I realized you are right! I will continue to write and try to incorporate your suggestions into the story. Thanks! :wink
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<----I must say Haine is the best!
The Sig of the Month Contest?!
New styles rock!
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