| Superman Returns!
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 AvengerDoll |
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Posted:
Fri Sep 01, 2006 12:42 am |
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Superman Returns!
Superman Returns- A poem by: Avengy
The clock ticked twelve and the young apprentice awakened
He clutched the latch and silently shut the window leaving but a frigid shiver come across his spine
His eyes widened and winced when suddenly a piercing pain encountered his life
Now his muscels bulging and his pants growing tighter and tighter
Shirt ripping off... senses becoming more right
A shrill scream of agony rang the room and his garments tore off leading to an ultimate boom
The inkwell fell off the desk and mere pieces of parchment flew into air...
Rage yet beautiful power and strength pulsed through his veins and his hair now flying the colours of a gray streak
A warm bright light shined on his chest to reaveal a bold tringular square marked as the shape of an "S"
A new legacy was born... Superman had returned...
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| jdiddy56 |
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Posted:
Fri Sep 01, 2006 2:00 am |
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tht was pretty good
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http://www.funender.com/finalfantasy/forums/here-vp183230.html#183230<item warriors
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| ke-nite |
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Posted:
Fri Sep 01, 2006 1:31 pm |
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cool i like it keep up the good work 
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im a regulator
new and need help? go here http://www.funender.com/finalfantasy/forums/the-fitvirgcimdaz-charit-vp225155.html#225155
Its done!http://z10.invisionfree.com/kenite/index.php?my forum!
I want a fight for anyone and when i get a challenger when its finished ill go for a another so it never ending!http://www.funender.com/finalfantasy/forums/i-want-a-fight-vp342823.html?refer _id=7756#342823 thats the link for my fight |
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| Jelly |
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Posted:
Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:26 am |
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Please add the appropriate puncutuation to your piece. This is basically a very long run on sentence. Add commas and periods where appropriate.
Erm... seperate description is fine. Rather nice.
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| Rage yet beautiful power and strength pulsed through his veins and his hair now flying the colours of a gray streak |
A bit common, but nice use.
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| He clutched the latch and silently shut the window leaving but a frigid shiver come across his spine |
It should be more along the lines of...
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He clutched the latch and silently shut the window,
leaving but a frigid shiver up his spine. |
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| A shrill scream of agony rang through the room and his garments tore off leading to an ultimate boom |
My opinion, but it's unlikely that his 'boom' of transformation qualifies as 'ultimate'.
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A shrill scream of angony rang through the room,
his garmets tearing off to lead to a resonating boom. |
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| A warm bright light shined on his chest to reveal a bold triangular square marked as the shape of an "S". |
Wrong tense, missing punctuation, and confusing line. The part where you say that there was a triangular square marked as the shape of an S, that doesn't make sense. What you're saying is that there is a triangle that somehow twists into a curve. No. For those who haven't seen Superman, this would be a very strange bit.
Not to mention there is no such thing as a triangular square.
I know his little sign isn't a perfect triangle, but you can't say 'triangular square'. XD;
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| A warm, bright light shone on his chest to reveal a bold triangle with an S marked in the center. |
Etc. Etc. There are a few other mistakes but I'm lazy right now.
Overall, it's a nice start, could use some improvement but I like it n__n;[/quote]
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| Guest |
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Posted:
Wed Oct 11, 2006 4:59 pm |
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it'll be great when we know where you paused or stopped. it will make it more powerful. ^_^
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