| Quirky sense of humour, eh? Bloody brilliant... well almost.
- Goto page 1, 2 Next |
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
 Guest |
|
 Posted:
Fri Sep 23, 2005 12:11 am |
Karma: 0
Usergroups:
None
Items
 |
|
Quirky sense of humour, eh? Bloody brilliant... well almost.
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of
America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly call ed crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
Thank you for your co-operation.
|
|
| |
 |
|
| Cacciato |
|
Posted:
Fri Sep 23, 2005 5:21 am |
Advent Child
Age: 19
Joined: 06 Aug 2005
Posts: 1139
Karma: 5
Location: Virginia Beach
Usergroups:
None
615897 Gil
Items
    
more...
|
|
Stumble, huh.
|
_________________
 
Sig Requests are -OFF-
Why couldnt Helen Keller drive a car?
| Spoiler: |
| Cus shes a woman HAHAHAHAHA
|
|
| |
|
|
 Thoul |
|
Posted:
Fri Sep 23, 2005 6:03 am |
Imaginative Poster
Joined: 06 Aug 2005
Posts: 741
Karma: 158
Location: USA
Usergroups:
None
1980642 Gil
Items
 
more...
|
|
Completely unamusing.
|
_________________
Phantasy Star: The Fringes of Algo | Play Final Funender RPG!
Programmer at work:        |
| |
|
|
 Trooper |
|
Posted:
Fri Sep 23, 2005 7:13 am |
Sphere Hunter
Age: 30
Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 1845
Karma: 397
Location: Somewere on the edge of the Frayed ends of Sanity
Usergroups:
Chocobo Trainers
Funender Movie Makers
Justice Knights
5260 Gil
Items
    
more...
|
|
good luck trying to get that to go over here in arkansas, lol. I don't think the english have yet to encounter "rednecks". lol
|
_________________
| FuNEnD3R wrote: |
| Trooper has been appointed Secretary of Curses effective January 20th, 2009. |
| seifer wrote: |
its pretty sad that my biggest fear regarding zombies is that the local govt will take care of them before i get a change to kick some zombie butt  |
|
| |
|
|
| Guest |
|
Posted:
Fri Sep 23, 2005 8:34 am |
Karma: 0
Usergroups:
None
Items
|
|
I guess I'm the only one that likes it. Might just be a joke but some of those things makes a lot of sense to me.
|
|
| |
|
|
| SunsetSea |
|
Posted:
Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:11 pm |
True RPG Fan
Age: 18
Joined: 10 Aug 2005
Posts: 3316
Karma: 412
Location: New York
Usergroups:
T.M.A.A.S.M
2644502 Gil
Items
  
more...
|
|
I love Stumble! 
|
_________________
 <----I must say Haine is the best!
The Sig of the Month Contest?!
New styles rock!
 |
| |
|
|
| wierdgirl |
|
Posted:
Tue Jan 24, 2006 8:35 am |
Master Caster
Age: 17
Joined: 11 Oct 2005
Posts: 1546
Karma: 374
Location: Decision city.
Usergroups:
None
40545 Gil
| | | Class: | Wizard Knight | | Level: | 29 |
Items
    
more...
|
|
that's funny. but it's not
|
_________________
There's nothing wrong with Ohio except the snow and the rain. I really like Drew Carey and I'd love to see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. |
| |
|
|
| Klyern |
|
Posted:
Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:31 am |
Avalanche Member
Joined: 07 Sep 2005
Posts: 2273
Karma: 218
Usergroups:
Kindness Counts
64990 Gil
Items
  
more...
|
|
um i like this kuuu!
Kuu's adding this to Missis Hainey's World Domination Speech  yup yup kuu likes dis stuff kuu, just some minor changes kuuu. (in)[b])
n some crossing heeeeeere, mmm kuuuu! its all finished (not =P) almost all this stays kuu
[quote="arsenic_touch"]A Message from King Haine to the citizens of the United States of
America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty King Haine I. Will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Chicago, which she does not fancy). [btw kansas rules, u got one more enemy lol]
Hainey thinks its funny to leave an action actor has a governor, so for your PAINS shell be supporting Arnold's governor campaign
The following rules are to be umm.... well..... followed! yes followed, um cough cough, FOLLOWED UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE JAILED OR PERSECUTED, no sorry, PERSECUTED OR JAILED.
4. Fireworks wont be banned on july 4 /christmass/newyear anymore, or anywere, and in july 4 everyone above 23 must commit to 3 hours of comunity service to indian people or be jailed for 6 hours.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues therapists or priests. The fact that you have to resort to god or phsyqiatrics all the time shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. And you'll stop selling guns to children below 16. Also, Judges'll have to stop acepting stupid and nonsense cases and Juries ll have to stop letting criminals walk. Also all fooney phsyquiatrics even if they hold a true degree'll be persecuted
6. You will need a permit from one of King Haine's personall vassals to be able to carry a potato peller. (lmao), and you wont be able to carry more than one at the time. and own only 3.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. (-.- wtf, i want to see german cars then lol. btw the new age cars are shi7)
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. (ummm kuu doesnt likes the british sense of humor, this one's crossed off.)
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. (YES, this stays)
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly call ed crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. (Actually this is YOUR mistake, that's what europeans call chips, we all call chips chips and thick chips thick chips, but i agree with the frenchfries part, all that blue part stays
|
|
| |
|
|
| Klyern |
|
Posted:
Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:31 am |
Avalanche Member
Joined: 07 Sep 2005
Posts: 2273
Karma: 218
Usergroups:
Kindness Counts
64990 Gil
Items
more...
|
|
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. (lol, im sure ill take this-one off her speech but i still know what you mean lol... still this is a bit too much
12. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). [ BTW I HEAR YA BRO ]
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball has a national sport. And you will all play BLITZ BALL, EVEN IN SCHOOLS.
15. You must tell us what planet's Elvis on right now. It's been driving us mad. (he didnt die, just went home)also how we can buy his new albums, our ebay doesnt works off-world T_T
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1988)
Thank you for your co-operation.[/quote]
and that is is only the world domination speech for the US. got to make at least 10 more.
|
_________________
MiNA g0roShI
Manowar - Dark Avenger
Burning and destruccion. Raping the daughters and the wives!~ |
| |
|
|
| roszondas3 |
|
Posted:
Thu Mar 16, 2006 11:11 am |
Imaginative Poster
Age: 17
Joined: 14 Mar 2006
Posts: 771
Karma: 157
Location: Sylvania, OHIO
Usergroups:
None
73405 Gil
Items
 
more...
|
|
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! THAT IS SOME GODDAM HILARIOUS ****! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
|
_________________
ALL HAIL ZAKUM! |
| |
|
|
| roszondas3 |
|
Posted:
Tue Mar 21, 2006 12:34 pm |
Imaginative Poster
Age: 17
Joined: 14 Mar 2006
Posts: 771
Karma: 157
Location: Sylvania, OHIO
Usergroups:
None
73405 Gil
Items
more...
|
|
this is soo funny!
|
_________________
ALL HAIL ZAKUM! |
| |
|
|
| Klyern |
|
Posted:
Tue Mar 21, 2006 7:24 pm |
Avalanche Member
Joined: 07 Sep 2005
Posts: 2273
Karma: 218
Usergroups:
Kindness Counts
64990 Gil
Items
more...
|
|
yhea T:T i made a lot of effort into copying his speech for kingu hainey and no one cares for it Y.Y Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
*howls* kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
|
_________________
MiNA g0roShI
Manowar - Dark Avenger
Burning and destruccion. Raping the daughters and the wives!~ |
| |
|
|
| Stappy |
|
Posted:
Wed Mar 22, 2006 6:14 am |
Highwind
Age: 22
Joined: 14 Mar 2005
Posts: 7912
Karma: 824
Location: podcast studio baby!
Usergroups:
Chocobo Trainers
Funender Support
Justice Knights
10181444 Gil
Items
   
more...
|
|
LOL
lol, thats laughing at the kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu thing. That's hillarious
|
_________________
StappyFM #3? coming soon
 < TY King Haine |
| |
|
|
| Guest |
|
Posted:
Wed Mar 22, 2006 12:35 pm |
Karma: 0
Usergroups:
None
Items
|
|
ya! icant believe nobody is rely thinkin this is funny.
|
|
| |
|
|
| Mabus |
|
Posted:
Wed Mar 22, 2006 8:55 pm |
SeeD Candidate
Age: 20
Joined: 17 Jan 2006
Posts: 1368
Karma: 79
Location: Chasing dreams and car crash scenes!
Usergroups:
None
1792 Gil
Items
 
more...
|
|
My English friend (note: English meaning from England) brought this in and read it to the math class everyone had a laugh but . . . *English accent here* I say, they do not even have poutine over in England and they go on about our fries not even being good!
Well I never!
|
_________________
The only certainty in life is uncertainty!
Click Here for 15 min of Drum and Bass! If you dare! Podcast
Click Here for 13 min of Dance music! If you dare! Podcast
|
| |
|
|
| |
