| 'Lonely' a poem i just wrote.
- |
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
 roszondas3 |
|
Posted:
Sun Mar 07, 2010 11:46 pm |
Advent Child
Age: 22
Joined: 14 Mar 2006
Posts: 1,150
Liked Posts: 0
Karma: 211
Location: United States
Usergroups:
None
72197 Gil
Items
    
more...
|
|
'Lonely' a poem i just wrote.
why? why do i always mess up?
why is it that i always f*ck up?
i try hard to keep her happy.
but in the end she feels crappy.
i feel so confused
i hope i am not being used
i don't know why i believe in my life
she deserves a better with whom to be their wife
|
  |
| |
 |
|
| crazed4now |
|
Posted:
Sun Mar 07, 2010 11:59 pm |
Tetra Elemental
Age: 22
Joined: 27 Aug 2005
Posts: 29,052
Liked Posts: 54
Karma: 1419
Location: probably out killin' peoples
Usergroups:
HellBlazers
In Review
Sakura no Ai
15939 Gil
Items
    
more...
|
|
Wrong section, dear. but on a more critical note:
the flow is really off and the vocabulary could.... be more advanced.
|
[quote="Kuro Ryu"]crazed is more controlling in a dominatrix kinda way than an annoying kinda way XD It's like everyone listening is Crazed's b*tch[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]If Crazed is my aunt I'm very worried for my sanity...XD[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]I find it good to know that Crazed does not believe in rape and yet does believe in the killing of orphans.[/quote]
[quote="cable"]Jimbob is the internet..... No need to change anything  [/quote]
I'm the official "Mad Fairy Godmother" of the forum.
Thanks Aruy!
Thanks Blacky!
 |
| |
|
|
| roszondas3 |
|
Posted:
Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:37 am |
Advent Child
Age: 22
Joined: 14 Mar 2006
Posts: 1,150
Liked Posts: 0
Karma: 211
Location: United States
Usergroups:
None
72197 Gil
Items
more...
|
|
yeah, i know, im gonna work on that, it was about my gf, so, i was really doing it quick
|
|
| |
|
|
| crazed4now |
|
Posted:
Mon Mar 08, 2010 10:15 pm |
Tetra Elemental
Age: 22
Joined: 27 Aug 2005
Posts: 29,052
Liked Posts: 54
Karma: 1419
Location: probably out killin' peoples
Usergroups:
HellBlazers
In Review
Sakura no Ai
15939 Gil
Items
more...
|
|
yeah, it's... obvious that it was quickly written.
|
[quote="Kuro Ryu"]crazed is more controlling in a dominatrix kinda way than an annoying kinda way XD It's like everyone listening is Crazed's b*tch[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]If Crazed is my aunt I'm very worried for my sanity...XD[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]I find it good to know that Crazed does not believe in rape and yet does believe in the killing of orphans.[/quote]
[quote="cable"]Jimbob is the internet..... No need to change anything [/quote]
I'm the official "Mad Fairy Godmother" of the forum.
Thanks Aruy!
Thanks Blacky!
|
| |
|
|
| Aruko |
|
Posted:
Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:09 pm |
Ultima Weapon
Age: 24
Joined: 26 Aug 2006
Posts: 15,651
Liked Posts: 43
Karma: 2018
Location: Gothic Love Nest
Usergroups:
A World of Cultures
AWOL
Forever Night
164005 Gil
Items
  
more...
|
|
Yeah I would echo what crazed said...I mean I think a good idea is there but I would work on it some more ^^
|
Im strung out on insanity--nature's drug.
 |
| |
|
|
| Starry-chan |
|
Posted:
Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:23 pm |
Ultima Weapon
Age: 13
Joined: 30 Oct 2006
Posts: 12,250
Liked Posts: 8
Karma: 1193
Location: Darkness...
Usergroups:
A World of Cultures
In Review
Kindness Counts
9408167 Gil
Items
  
more...
|
|
You should try and expand the poem using imagery as a start. So far, the poem seems to go nowhere...sorry! (>.<)
|
Quote of the day: "Evolution has ZERO evidence, otherwise I would have found it by now."
-MalakaiJ from youtube
Pure gold isn't it?
You are Stern the Destructor (星光の殲滅者): Polite, calm and logical...
...But nevertheless extremely dangerous! |
| |
|
|
| crazed4now |
|
Posted:
Tue Mar 09, 2010 12:22 pm |
Tetra Elemental
Age: 22
Joined: 27 Aug 2005
Posts: 29,052
Liked Posts: 54
Karma: 1419
Location: probably out killin' peoples
Usergroups:
HellBlazers
In Review
Sakura no Ai
15939 Gil
Items
more...
|
|
it's very..... angsty 12 year old....
that's the way i would put it. XD
but it's good if it's your first poem.
|
[quote="Kuro Ryu"]crazed is more controlling in a dominatrix kinda way than an annoying kinda way XD It's like everyone listening is Crazed's b*tch[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]If Crazed is my aunt I'm very worried for my sanity...XD[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]I find it good to know that Crazed does not believe in rape and yet does believe in the killing of orphans.[/quote]
[quote="cable"]Jimbob is the internet..... No need to change anything [/quote]
I'm the official "Mad Fairy Godmother" of the forum.
Thanks Aruy!
Thanks Blacky!
|
| |
|
|
| roszondas3 |
|
Posted:
Sat Mar 13, 2010 10:37 pm |
Advent Child
Age: 22
Joined: 14 Mar 2006
Posts: 1,150
Liked Posts: 0
Karma: 211
Location: United States
Usergroups:
None
72197 Gil
Items
more...
|
|
yes, i have done much better than this, i am quite ashamed of myself
|
|
| |
|
|
| crazed4now |
|
Posted:
Sun Mar 14, 2010 12:23 am |
Tetra Elemental
Age: 22
Joined: 27 Aug 2005
Posts: 29,052
Liked Posts: 54
Karma: 1419
Location: probably out killin' peoples
Usergroups:
HellBlazers
In Review
Sakura no Ai
15939 Gil
Items
more...
|
|
momentary anger leads to less than pleasant things. XD
|
[quote="Kuro Ryu"]crazed is more controlling in a dominatrix kinda way than an annoying kinda way XD It's like everyone listening is Crazed's b*tch[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]If Crazed is my aunt I'm very worried for my sanity...XD[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]I find it good to know that Crazed does not believe in rape and yet does believe in the killing of orphans.[/quote]
[quote="cable"]Jimbob is the internet..... No need to change anything [/quote]
I'm the official "Mad Fairy Godmother" of the forum.
Thanks Aruy!
Thanks Blacky!
|
| |
|
|
| |
