| Hiya...anyone good at proofreading?
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Posted:
Sat Sep 11, 2010 2:10 pm |
Ragnarok
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Hiya...anyone good at proofreading?
I just finished the final draft of an essay for English Comp. and I need it to be proofread...because well I suck at proofreading so please please please please...you'll get cookies ^_^
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| crazed4now |
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Posted:
Sat Sep 11, 2010 10:29 pm |
Tetra Elemental
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ummm.... i could i guess.
dunno how well i'd do.
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[quote="Kuro Ryu"]crazed is more controlling in a dominatrix kinda way than an annoying kinda way XD It's like everyone listening is Crazed's b*tch[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]If Crazed is my aunt I'm very worried for my sanity...XD[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]I find it good to know that Crazed does not believe in rape and yet does believe in the killing of orphans.[/quote]
[quote="cable"]Jimbob is the internet..... No need to change anything  [/quote]
I'm the official "Mad Fairy Godmother" of the forum.
Thanks Aruy!
Thanks Blacky!
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| Tifa16 |
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Posted:
Sat Sep 11, 2010 11:27 pm |
Ragnarok
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Give it a shot please please please...
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| Tifa16 |
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Posted:
Sat Sep 11, 2010 11:34 pm |
Ragnarok
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sorry for double post but there's also no rush its not due til like 11:59pm on tuesday...
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| Starry-chan |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 12, 2010 12:29 am |
Ultima Weapon
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Why not just post it up here and let everyone take a shot?
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Quote of the day: "Evolution has ZERO evidence, otherwise I would have found it by now."
-MalakaiJ from youtube
Pure gold isn't it?
You are Stern the Destructor (星光の殲滅者): Polite, calm and logical...
...But nevertheless extremely dangerous! |
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| Tifa16 |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 12, 2010 10:01 am |
Ragnarok
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((Okay...uhm...here))
Reading and Writing the two things that some find as natural as breathing. In fact I don’t know many people who can’t read or write. I was almost one of those people myself though; writing was a difficult concept for me in many ways. Reading wasn’t hard though I’ve been able to read since I could remember, something I should thank my sister for. I can’t remember it but according to my mother my sister taught me to read. I digress though this is more about my struggles with writing, though I still can’t say I mastered the art. It wasn’t until first grade that we were taught to write, kindergarten was an unnecessary playtime. So to stay on topic I will tell you of my struggles with writing and how I managed to put pen to paper and write.
I didn’t start learning to write until I was in the first grade. Its easy to admit that I was excited about learning. I imagined myself writing in my dad’s untidy scrawling cursive, or my mom’s neat tidy handwriting. Then the time came to learn, I was sat down at my desk with a piece of paper that had five sets of three lines. My teacher stood at the board and wrote a capital “A” then told us to copy it down on our paper until we had no more room. This I attempted but while everyone already has some conception of letter writing I was alone. As I kept trying to get the shape of the letters down, I started to feel like all of it was hopeless. I believe Helen Keller ,a young woman struggling with blindness and deafness, said it best “I was without compass or sounding-line and had no way of knowing how near the harbor was” (200), that was how I felt anyway. I mean in no way to compare having trouble writing with Keller’s struggles. She was a true hero I was nothing more than a girl who couldn’t fathom the shape of letters.
The other problem I had with writing was that I kept trying to write the letters in cursive. I had assumed we were going to be learning it, though that isn’t the whole problem. The teacher had even thought that I had some sort of mental disability, which was completely untrue. She had often seen me reading on my own books that were being read by my sixth grade sister. Though I eventually learned to messily write in penmanship without having to take an hour or two to write a string of five letters.
Though I no longer had the need for print when I made it to third or fourth grade. That was when I finally learned to write in the cursive I held in such high esteem. It was another difficult struggle though because my hands had become accustomed to print. It was a time in my life that reminds me of * Douglass ,the 17th century slave turned author, The knowledge I had gained from learning print had burdened my learning of cursive. It was then that my sister ,Sarah, whom a few years before taught me to read, began to teach me to write in cursive. She was a great teacher and even made me a reference sheet to practice the letters. Sarah soon became my own Christina Boufis, she made me small lessons and encouraged me to write. I never wrote as neatly as her or my mother, no I have always written like my dad. A feat that I am quite proud of to this day.
Well as I bring this essay to a close I have to say that I’ve thouroughly enjoyed this writing assignment. It made me look back on a time in my life I don’t normally think of for reasons that don’t involve this topic. I also have a better appreciation for my writing abilities that I lacked previously. So I do believe that that is all I have to say on this, writing was hard for me but I’ve overcome the problem and am in College.
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| Starry-chan |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 12, 2010 4:52 pm |
Ultima Weapon
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Please post the prompt as well as the composition.
Intrduction: You mentioned twice that you got off topic. If you noticed that yourself, why did you do it? It looks like you didn't have too many ideas for an introductory paragraph and just tried to make a conversational tone. You mentioned your sister, which is good, but left her out until the bottom half of the final paragraph. You should instead write your introduction last, based off the conclusion. This is because your conclusion sums up the body paragraphs you already wrote. Writing the introduction first requires you to already imagine you have finished the essay, which most often causes it to be little faulty when compared to the conclusion, or any other paragraphs. For example, you ended up mentioning how you didn't learn to write untl grade 1, but immediately repeated that as the first line of your first body paragraph, which is redundant.
Body 1: OK, you're starting to develope an image of you being in grade 1 and then using Helen Keller as an analogy os some sort. That's good, but I want you to develop the image more, and you really only need one image per paragraph just to let you know. Talk about what you see, feel, hear, smell, and maybe even taste. If this as a strong memory you're going to use as evidence, the marker should be convinced of that by knowing uniquely how you felt in your surroundings. Like maybe you felt "the teacher's warm, encouraging smile as she looks at what I initially thought were wiggly characters that looked more japanese than english". Also, you quoted Helen Keller, but were you supposed to mention a text? If so, then please reference the text. Is it a book? Journal? Article? Anyways, the main issue is the images. Anyone can "feel hopeless" but only you can feel it, applying all your surroundings, in your special kind of way.
Body 2: Your body 1 looks like it tries to develop a struggle, which is good, but body 2 doesn't seem to want to develop it further. Are you trying to say that you found shelter in your ability to read from your problems writing? If so, then make an image of it. You described how your teacher looked at you, but you should have that as one line and focus on how you felt when you sw her looking at you like that. Did you face flush in embarrassment, or did you ignore that and felt special and free as you turned the page to continue following the adventres of whatever book you were reading?
Body 3: This seems more like a conclusion than a body paragraph. Look at our first and last lines, they look like powerful concluding sentences. You mentioned your sister here, who I assume is supposed to be the character that helps you out. Now you have to ask yourself the question of what reall helped you out. Like what I mentioned in the body 2 review, if you found shelter simply by reading your sister's books, then yu don't really need to involve her as a person too much. If you felt that it was your sister's support (or example) that you were able to continue reading and writing despite your teacher's opinion (who seems to be the foil in this story), then begin by mentioning your sister and what influence she had in body 2. The structure would look more like Body 1: You had a problem. Body 2: Someone (Your sister) sees this and helps you out in some way. Body 3: You go back and confront your problem or deal with it by whatever means (going back to school the next day or smething like that) and resolve it. Then your other material in this paragraph (comparing to other famous people and slowly drawing back to the present) can be fitted either at the end of body 3 or in your conclusion.
Conclusion: As mentioned above, much of that, especially the last line, should be part of the conclusion. Your current conclusion is not very strong especially since it is supposed to "wrap up" all your other paragraphs. Take a look at each paragraphs' topic sentence. This is a sentence put at the end of all your body paragraphs that is supposed to sum up that particular paragraph in relation to the prompt you're supposed to write about. Take those three sentences and think of what idea they generate. What idea they have in common. Because this "idea" is based on what covers all your body paragraphs. This "idea" is the backbone of your essay. This "idea" is your conclusion. You should have already mentioned what you learned in your body 3, so your conclusion is to take you back to the present and tell the significance of the story. Did it help you feel more comfortable with the English subject? How does these experiences help you today?
Now back to your introduction, which you're writing last. Look at your conclusion, the one that holds your entire story. Now you can look for something interesting to get your reader's attention. Now you have all the material you need to crate you introduction. Now your essay begins.
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Quote of the day: "Evolution has ZERO evidence, otherwise I would have found it by now."
-MalakaiJ from youtube
Pure gold isn't it?
You are Stern the Destructor (星光の殲滅者): Polite, calm and logical...
...But nevertheless extremely dangerous! |
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| Tifa16 |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 12, 2010 5:07 pm |
Ragnarok
Age: 22
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So basically it sucks and I have to start over again?
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| Starry-chan |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 12, 2010 5:09 pm |
Ultima Weapon
Age: 13
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I did not say that. If you truely have a strong memory, then keep going with it.
They key is to convince your reader that this is your experience and not something you randomly made up.
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Quote of the day: "Evolution has ZERO evidence, otherwise I would have found it by now."
-MalakaiJ from youtube
Pure gold isn't it?
You are Stern the Destructor (星光の殲滅者): Polite, calm and logical...
...But nevertheless extremely dangerous! |
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| Tifa16 |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 12, 2010 5:15 pm |
Ragnarok
Age: 22
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v_v I hate this essay...I hate it so much...its too personal...
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If you wanna see my art clickie...seriously... |
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| Starry-chan |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 12, 2010 5:23 pm |
Ultima Weapon
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That's what original compositions are supposed to be. If it's not personal, it's not an original composition.
Don't worry. It only takes about an hour really.
I also have an original composition due tomorrow.
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Quote of the day: "Evolution has ZERO evidence, otherwise I would have found it by now."
-MalakaiJ from youtube
Pure gold isn't it?
You are Stern the Destructor (星光の殲滅者): Polite, calm and logical...
...But nevertheless extremely dangerous! |
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| Tifa16 |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 12, 2010 5:27 pm |
Ragnarok
Age: 22
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This isn't due until tuesday...I can't even find a quote in Douglass or Boufis that fits...he wants us to compare this crap with * Douglass or Helen Keller...and that's the best I could do...oh and I only posted the body I have everything referenced out the way he wanted it...
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| crazed4now |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 12, 2010 5:34 pm |
Tetra Elemental
Age: 22
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alright, i'll put my changes and comments in bold so you can see them. this includes punctuation, so bare with me. XD
Reading and Writing the two things that some find as natural as breathing. In fact I don’t know many people who can’t read or write. I was almost one of those people myself though; writing was a difficult concept for me in many ways. Reading wasn’t hard though (add period here) I’ve been able to read since I could remember, something I should thank my sister for. I can’t remember it (comma) but according to my mother (comma) my sister taught me to read. I digress though (something around here doesn't seem right) this is more about my struggles with writing, though I still can’t say I mastered the art. It wasn’t until first grade that we were taught to write, kindergarten was an unnecessary playtime. So to stay on topic I will tell you of my struggles with writing and how I managed to put pen to paper and write. (nice ending sentence)
I didn’t start learning to write until I was in the first grade. It(apostrophe)s easy to admit that I was excited about learning. I imagined myself writing in my dad’s untidy scrawling cursive, or my mom’s neat tidy handwriting. Then the time came to learn, I was sat down at my desk with a piece of paper that had five sets of three lines. My teacher stood at the board and wrote a capital “A” then told us to copy it down on our paper until we had no more room. This I attempted (comma) but while everyone already has some conception of letter writing I was alone. As I kept trying to get the shape of the letters down, I started to feel like all of it was hopeless. I believe Helen Keller ,(<<you messed up the comma here) a young woman who struggled with blindness and deafness, said it best(comma) “I was without compass or sounding-line and had no way of knowing how near the harbor was” (200), that was how I felt anyway. I mean (comma) in no way to compare having trouble writing with Keller’s struggles. She was a true hero I was nothing more than a girl who couldn’t fathom the shape of letters.
The other problem I had with writing was that I kept trying to write the letters in cursive. I had assumed we were going to be learning it, though that isn’t the whole problem. The teacher had even thought that I had some sort of mental disability, which was completely untrue. She had often seen me reading on my own books that were being read by my sixth grade sister. Though I eventually learned to messily write in penmanship without having to take an hour or two to write a string of five letters. (don't worry. I have sucky hand-writing too. =P)
Though I no longer had the need for print when I made it to third or fourth grade (it's 3rd grade in all schools i've ever been to. probably the same for you). That was when I finally learned to write in the cursive (period) I held in such high esteem. It was another difficult struggle (comma) though (comma) because my hands had become accustomed to print. It was a time in my life that reminds me of * Douglass ,(<<another messed up comma) the 17th century slave turned author, The knowledge I had gained from learning print had burdened my learning of cursive (what's this gotta do with * douglass?). It was then that my sister ,(<<seriously, watch your spacing with your commas) Sarah, whom a few years before taught me to read, began to teach me to write in cursive. She was a great teacher and even made me a reference sheet to practice the letters. Sarah soon became my own Christina Boufis, she made me small lessons and encouraged me to write. I never wrote as neatly as her or my mother, no I have always written like my dad. A feat that I am quite proud of to this day.
Well as I bring this essay to a close I have to say that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed this writing assignment. It made me look back on a time in my life I don’t normally think of for reasons that don’t involve this topic. I also have a better appreciation for my writing abilities that I lacked previously. So I do believe that that is all I have to say on this, writing was hard for me but I’ve overcome the problem and am in College.
It's overall a pretty good idea. just watch your tone in your writing. it starts off awkward, turns formal, then goes informal. for a paper like this, i'd choose informal. Though formal might be better depending on your teacher.
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[quote="Kuro Ryu"]crazed is more controlling in a dominatrix kinda way than an annoying kinda way XD It's like everyone listening is Crazed's b*tch[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]If Crazed is my aunt I'm very worried for my sanity...XD[/quote]
[quote="mgold07"]I find it good to know that Crazed does not believe in rape and yet does believe in the killing of orphans.[/quote]
[quote="cable"]Jimbob is the internet..... No need to change anything [/quote]
I'm the official "Mad Fairy Godmother" of the forum.
Thanks Aruy!
Thanks Blacky!
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| Starry-chan |
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Posted:
Sun Sep 12, 2010 5:39 pm |
Ultima Weapon
Age: 13
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Oh I see. This is the SAT style composition where you must use a literary text. Then compare Helen Keller's quote to your images. You've already done so by basing it off of your struggle.
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Quote of the day: "Evolution has ZERO evidence, otherwise I would have found it by now."
-MalakaiJ from youtube
Pure gold isn't it?
You are Stern the Destructor (星光の殲滅者): Polite, calm and logical...
...But nevertheless extremely dangerous! |
| |
|
|
| Tifa16 |
|
Posted:
Sun Sep 12, 2010 6:44 pm |
Ragnarok
Age: 22
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Kind of...he just wants to see that we know how to cite and quote texts properly I think...and I had meant to delete the sentence about learning to write in the first grade from the first paragraph x_x...it sounds better in the second...
okay thanks for the input I'll work on it tonight and repost it for review before bed ^_^
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If you wanna see my art clickie...seriously... |
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